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Chapter 1
Where is it?
Cold, cold forest
Trees hang low
Moon bleached and empty
I’m tired
I walk without seeing the trail I walk on
Narrow path in tall grass
Familiarity
Sharp vines give me no pain
Dark sky gives me no fear
I’d never find it if they did
My legs are bare
white
bruised and cut
beautiful
I am searching
Nothing else could matter
I need it
Nothing else
Wake up. A current of spring air blew on my face. I shuffled under the covers and into the mattress that I adored. Wake up. My eyes slowly eased open to the white static of morning; but I was still under the covers. Another minute went by of just tracing “s-l-e-e-p” on the glowing sheets covering me. In one quick movement, I was exposed to the morning. Cool air pulsed through the room. My hands reached for an empathetic pillow, but they lie indifferently on the floor. Taxi wheels turned and footsteps hurried, billowing ambient noise into the room.
An uncomfortable anxiety still lied in the pit of my stomach. Dreams always have a way of ending so you are not pleased.
Never found it. I tried to put that thought away, someplace, where I couldn’t find it.
My feet pressed into the carpet for comfort, but found none. I quivered for a moment but continued to the kitchen. The tap of my feet on the tile echoed into the empty apartment. Reaching towards the cabinet, I realized I was out of coffee. Ah, wonderful. I’d have to leave soon to grab one instead. A Thursday without coffee is unheard of. A Thursday at work without coffee was especially unheard of. I worked at an independent accounting office. It was a modest place, but certainly prestigious. Fifteen or so accountants had worked there, most for decades. We each handled private customer’s finances and we were collectively working on the finances of a few large-scale businesses in the area. I was particularly good for my tender age of twenty-three, or at least I was told so. Once one of the senior accountants croaked; I took his spot quickly. But the enthusiasm that had sparked so quickly for a well-paid job had just as quickly diminished as my time there went on. I was told by many that I was lucky to even have a job.
On the way to the office, I decided to stop at the coffee shop on 34th. The bright jingle of a string of bells echoed as the café door closed behind me. Horns and the cackling of construction sites melted away into the hum of grinding coffee beans and the quiet sound of steam tumbling into the air. I took my place in line. The line didn’t seem to be moving, but I had left the house early. Once I stood there for a few moments, I could hear a quartet of horns playing jazzy tunes over the radio. Jazz is the only genre this coffee shop felt the need to play. I can’t say I ever minded it. A couple in front of me chatted loudly to one another, in a successful attempt at attracting attention in their direction. I can’t say I didn’t mind that, though. The girl, who was about my age, was batting her eyelashes to the beat of a jazz solo.
Kill me now. I examined her shocked smile. She appeared to be in complete awe. My ears had ignored the conversation thus far, but they were growing curious. I turned my right ear towards the couple (as if they weren’t talking loud enough already).
“After the rain stopped, what did we do?” the girl asked playfully.
“We walked to the record shop and bought a shit ton of vinyl.”
Her voice grew higher, “Yes! That’s exactly what happened in my dream. God, that’s weird. This can’t be a coincidence. I’m getting the creeps.”
She took a step closer to him, but kept her voice at the same obnoxious volume.
“Maybe our dream is trying to tell us something! You know, like a premonition? Or our purpose in life! Maybe something from our past lives…” she trailed off for a minute or so. I became distracted by the moving line but then tuned my ears back into their conversation once the line froze again,
“It is too bad the record shop went out of business. I don’t know what to carelessly spend my paycheck on now.”
I rolled my eyes for a moment. The melodramatic sound of complaining from the girl was interrupted by the mechanical “Next customer please.”
I wondered if people looked at me in the same light when I was with Sky. Certainly Sky and I were not nearly as grotesque, but we had our moments just like all couples. I met him at an old café I used to go to years ago. Before Sky and I had officially met, we shared very intimate moments of eye contact; innocent infatuation. It was almost like we knew each other in some moments. He was a tall and lanky boy who resembled Clark Gabel in certain light. He was, quite obviously, one of the most beautiful boys in the city. Sky played during open microphone at this café, and everyone always came. So, the day I met Sky, was a piece of the “everyone” who came to see him perform. That morning, I was awoken by the less-than-pleasant rill of my phone bursting out and screaming, “Good morning! Wake up, it is four in the morning!” Curling back into the fetal position, I laid there for another minute; phone still ringing. Eventually, the phone silenced itself; just as I got out of bed to turn it off. My calendar on my cell phone confidently displayed the message, “OPEN MIC TODAY”. As if I need to be reminded. I rolled my eyes at my phone; who thought it was doing something so nice for me. Sky hadn’t played there in forever and I blamed coffee for the occasional sleep-less night. I had no reason to go. Just as I was about to walk into the kitchen for a cup of coffee, my phone rang again. I turned around and starred at its bluish light penetrate the darkness of my room. I picked up the phone once more. Another text-reminder was displayed on its screen. The message read, “OPEN MIC TODAY”. The phone got turned off after that.
It was almost five in the afternoon. My day was nothing less than ordinary. An empty stare at the wall helped me pass the time.
“Why don’t you go out tonight?” My mom questioned. This was an odd question for her to ask, considering she liked to keep my sister and I at home when possible.
“I don’t know.” I said bluntly.
“Well your dad and I are heading out to dinner. If you leave, call us! Call me and ask. Let me know what is going on. Okay? Leila?” She shouted as she now moved to the foyer to put on shoes. My dad chimed in,
“And hey, you can call us if you don’t leave, too.” My dad was in the living room sprawled out on the couch. He had obviously been ready to leave for an hour. My mom peeked from around the corner to give my dad a look.
“When are we leaving?” whined my dad.
My mom was putting away my shoes. When she was home, she always felt the need to clean until she had thrown away something someone needed. After she threw away an overdue bill, or award winning essay, she stopped cleaning for an hour or so and continued again. That night she had just recuperated from throwing away my dad’s newspaper. My hands were freezing, but I could feel sweat collecting between my fingers. I watched her, in slow motion, pick up my shoes and place them in the closet. I can’t say what I felt when I saw this happening. The closet door shut softly but boomed as it closed. Half my shoe remained protruding from the closet.
After they left, I paced by the door. I kept looking at that shoe, waiting for me. Its laces would grab me if I got too close. I ran back into my room and shut the door. “Nope, not doing it”, I whispered to myself. My eyes glanced around my bedroom. In the far left corner I found my sister, Sara. She was rummaging through my drawers; at the time I had no idea what for.
“What are you doing?” My stressed voice frightened her and she turned completely around to respond,
“Socks. I just need some socks”. I rolled my eyes and walked to the other side of the room. I pulled out two grey and white tube socks. They were worn and holey. What troopers. I touched them in a loving sort of way, and then threw them to her; underhanded. She caught them and smiled dimly. She slowly rose to her feet and left without saying another word. When did she get home? My drawers stared blankly at me; disheveled. Cleaning up other people’s messes was not a hobby of choice. That’s why I couldn’t deal with babies or old people. I walked out of the room; leaving my drawers the way they would be for a while. Shortly after that, Sara left and shortly after Sara left, I did too. God, I was infatuated with Sky. Not Sky as a person- but the idea of him as a person.
Even at the age of eighteen and having grown up here, walking in the city was nerve-racking sometimes. Even short walks, like to the café, could take a half an hour. This fact, in a different light, was also why I liked the city. I always had time to think or to not think at all. That night, I chose to not think about anything, for my own nerves sake. The steel door handle pressed into my palms and a current of soft chatter flowed out into the street. I entered the café uncertainly. I was timid to the decision I had made to come there. The first thing my eyes touched was Sky. The glow from every light in the room followed his movements. He’s here. Surprised couldn’t describe how I felt because I could feel his presence before seeing him. Everyone turned into walking daydreams when they saw him. I took a seat on a large royal-blue couch. I was a yard away from Sky, but I felt closer than ever. Distracted by my own loud thoughts, I hadn’t realized my gradual descent into the couch. Flimsy springs below me rattled and left my body awkwardly reclining. “Hah, that’s why no one is sitting here. My butt is practically on the ground.” I said out loud. I laughed as I tried to readjust myself. Then, my laugh began to harmonize with another’s. I looked up from the quicksand couch and up at the person laughing. It was Sky’s laugh. He smiled innocently at my unfortunate seat selection. He stood up from his seat, “Mine is yours. I think I am up next anyway”. The wrinkling of his eyebrow said, “Go on”. He got up and moved towards the front of the café. The chair he was sitting on looked more like a foot-rest. It didn’t engulf me though, so I was content. For a moment, I was distracted with these thoughts. Then I realized; Sky had just spoken to me. I could feel the silent shaking of my legs become the smacking of chattering knees. He took a seat at the front of the café; and turned the microphone back on.
“Hey guys. I am really happy to be back again. This is something new I wrote just last night. Hope you guys like it”.
Everyone grew silent instantly and turned towards him to listen. I could feel words wasting away before being spoken and I could hear sentences quickly turning into phrases. His voice wandered from his mouth and into the air, like a nostalgic lullaby your mother sang to you before you knew how to speak. He began to sing,
“I’m looking to love you for a while
You really know how to make me smile
I’d like it if you came over tonight
Just you and me if that’s alright…”
His voice was nothing less than angelic. His lyrics weren’t exactly the best work of literature, though, they actually kind of sucked, but I thought about this only briefly. I became startled with their content. He’s in love? I couldn’t understand but I convinced myself that should’ve known. It was time for me to get out of there. I’d rather be home alone. Besides, how could he even look at a girl like me? He commanded the room and he deserved a girl who did the same. I stood up abruptly from the footrest and knocked it a bit in the process. The clack didn’t stir anyone from Sky’s direction. Human’s ability of peripheral vision was useless. No one ever sees what they don’t care about.
Barely looking both ways, I walked into the street. Stupid. Why do I even care to begin with? I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t even know him. Stupid. What I didn’t realize was that I was tearing up. Seriously, I’m crying? I don’t even know him. Why should I even care? My head smacked into a stranger in front of me. Well, I could’ve known the person but I’d never know. I must’ve been walking faster than I knew, because the run-in kind of hurt. I tried to look up and say sorry but tears were streaming down my face and I couldn’t see anything. I’m glad I couldn’t see the dirty look I must have gotten. I kept walking past the shadows and shapes of cars and people until something stopped my eyes from moving so quickly. A secluded alley-way was to my right. I immediately walked into it and into the solitude.
I was alone. I pathetically walked for a minute or so, constantly wiping my face and sighing in the dark. I always fell easily for boys and just as easily forgot about them. I couldn’t understand why he was different. My eyes were awoken in a millisecond, at the sound of unknown footsteps. The peaceful darkness around me turned into fear and blackness. Heart motionless, I whipped my head behind me. Too many thoughts ran through my mind. Just run, run now. Why aren’t you already running? I can’t throw a swing. Run. I should’ve called mom before I left. No one has any idea where I am. I’m screwed. I should’ve already started running.
It was Sky. “What the..what the hell…”
I couldn’t find more than three words I ever knew.
He was out of breath but I don’t think he had been running. His face was dark. If I hadn’t of gazed at him so many time before, I never would have recognized him.
“Why did you leave?”
Perhaps he saw my frightened and confused expression on my face because he continued,
“You left this.”
In his hand was a crisp twenty-dollar bill.
“What? Uhm…. I think you’re mistaken. I only brought a five with me.”
I was breathing heavily. Looking back, I still don’t know what the proper response to his presence would have been.
“You looked upset. I thought maybe you lost this. You look upset now, too. Am I that bad? My performance I mean. I mean, I could’ve sworn I saw you drop this. I’m sorry.”
I’m not sure what I thought of what he said at first. I’m not sure I even understood what he said.
His eyes darkened.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m talking about, I really don’t”
I hadn’t seen him before with this sort of face on. He looked helpless. I didn’t think of him in this way though.
“You’re music was fine. Really, it was. I just had to get going. Everyone loved it; I could tell.”
“Yeah I guess.”
By this point I had recollected my facial expressions and words.
“I’ve heard you play before.” I said. “You’re good.”
“I appreciate that.” His eyes were a bright hazel.
“Yeah, but I’ll take that twenty off you if you’re looking to give it away.”
He placed the bill in my palm. I looked at it and put it back in his.
“Eh, finders keepers.” I said. I don’t think he realized that I was teasing.
“I’m Sky if you were wondering. I’m glad you didn’t punch me or something. I didn’t mean to scare you, honestly.” He said this as he placed the bill in his wallet. I saw another freshly pressed twenty in his wallet, but I looked away quickly. I laughed. Not at him, but at his smile that seemed to appear out of nowhere. What a lovely smile it was.
“I’m Leila. I’m glad I didn’t punch you too.”
“I could walk to where you’re going if you’d like. You shouldn’t walk alone it is getting dark.”
“So you’re my mother now?” I laughed.
“No, I was just offering because..”
I interrupted his puzzled explanation, “I’m just kidding.” I began walking and turned around and looked back at him, grinning. “I only need to walk forty more blocks.”
He laughed and began walking.
Why had he tried so hard to talk to me? Only a few minutes passed before we were to my apartment complex. It always popped at night from the bright neon lights of the convenience store next to it. I was surprised I hadn’t discovered this short-cut before. This was exactly the kind of alley my parents worried I’d find out about.
“Well I am sure I’ll see you around.” I said. He sighed very softly and I probably wasn’t supposed to hear.
“Let’s make sure of it. How about if I meet you here Sunday morning? Let’s say at about ten?” He proposed.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say at first. Something inside of me began to realize who was asking me this. My heart squirmed in my chest.
“Yes.”
Every weekend after that he asked to see me, so I became consumed with him. I loved him and he loved me. I always heard people calling us inseparable under their breaths, with some sort of mixture of envy and longing. I loved to see the looks of admiration we received.
The couple in front of me had already paid and received their drinks. I’m relieved- to say the least- that I don’t remember the rest of their conversation. Still, I couldn’t help but wish that I had taken my thoughts in another direction. I grabbed my coffee quickly, and walked out of the café. The cool air smelt like rain, but it hadn’t rained in weeks. What a comforting thought it was to think that it would rain soon. More comforting than you could ever know. For a moment, I didn’t feel sick at all.
Chapter 2
By the time I got to the office, my coffee was finished. Grinning, I walked over to my cubicle.
“Good morning my Rose.” Frank smiled.
Frank was an old guy; probably the next to go. He always called me Rose, because that’s what his granddaughter’s name is. I stopped correcting him after his numerous attempts at playing it off like it was a pet name. I liked him, though. Frank could have retired years ago, but never did. He wasn’t the most efficient worker, but he never got laid off. The office didn’t keep him because he was a hard worker; they kept him because my boss could pay him little to nothing and still make him a content man. He loved his job. Think of his place at the office as an act of kindness.
“Morning Mr. Frank. You sure do look polished today.” He always looked polished. Who knows how long it took him to iron all of his suits; so cute.
“Thanks my darling! And you look splendid as always. Are the boys still throwing themselves at you every weekend? If you ever have a problem, don’t hesitate to call me.
He cracked his boney knuckles and winked at me. I wondered for a moment how that couldn’t have hurt. I smiled widely and returned the wink.
The office was loud: the smack of telephones against their receivers and this sound being interrupted by the excited clacking heels and pens clicking under impatient fingers. I peeked into the break room and took a sip of today’s coffee just to make sure I wasn’t missing out on something laced. I wasn’t. Everyone was just happy that tomorrow would be Friday. Walking over to my desk, I received plenty of good mornings and smiles. I was content in a haze, but the minute I reached my desk, I thought about the moment I would have to leave it and go home. My stomach jeered at me with a sharp pain. How unpleasant.
Everyone became silent. Every pair of eyes looked up from their cubicles and on the man walking through the office doors. He was medium height, with salt and pepper hair- perfectly shaped without gel. His eyes were green and dark gold- easily spotted even from across the room. He looked like he could be modeling for Armani, but he never would never wear Armani. Even though he was a fifty-five year old man with more beauty than most men in their thirties, no one looked up at him because of his appearance. Everyone looked up at him because of who he was. He was “big brother” so to speak. He was the controller of the office, the workers, and himself. Most of the workers didn’t work to please the customers, but to please him. As for me, I just worked for an afternoon glass of wine. Jack didn’t notice that the entire room was looking at him in admiration, so he just walked into his office. It was odd of him to be the last to come into work, but he always had a reason for what he did. He was, after all, the man who made all of this possible. No one asked questions.
By lunch time, I was starving. I didn’t eat breakfast as I so often don’t. My work phone rang. It took me a moment to realize it was ringing; midday caffeine crash.
“Leila speaking.”
“Hey, it’s Chelsi. Your phone is off again. Are we still getting lunch?”
I wonder how long my phone has been off. Wait, when did we talk about getting lunch?
“Yeah sorry, my phone’s battery just isn’t what it used to be. Lunch is still on. Where should I meet you?”
“Let’s go to that sandwich place we passed by the other day.”
I searched my mind for the conversation we had had the “other day” about a sandwich shop and getting lunch today. Found it.
“Leo’s Sandwiches?”
“Yeah, that’s the one. See you in fifteen.”
She hung up. The office was almost empty. Jack closed the office everyday for an hour so we could have lunch. Usually I would be the first to leave but it looked like everyone else had a running start. Walking out the door, I heard a phone ringing. It was Jack’s phone, because the ring was strong and bassy. Jack wasn’t there to answer his phone. It went to his voicemail.
“Hey. I just wanted to call you and tell you that I’m not coming home for lunch. I’ve decided, as you so often do, to stay at the office and finish up some paperwork. I expect that to be okay with you. I tried your cell phone but, as you so often are, must have been on the other line. Be on time for dinner.”
Chapter 3
Where the hell is this place…
I aimlessly walked in the direction of Chelsi’s apartment. It was someplace close to there. I could’ve sworn it was three blocks ago…
“You look lost!” A voice from behind me called.
I turned around briskly. It was Chelsi. Thank God.
“That’s me. A wandering puppy on the streets.”
“I forgot how far away this place is from your office. Sorry.”
“That’s okay, I can be late back anyway. I have a feeling Jack will be…”
The sandwich joint was just another block down the road. It was a new place, and was crowded. That is always a good sign. I ate a turkey club Panini and Chelsi ate a B.L.T. Both were pretty good. We didn’t start talking too much until after we ate, typical. You don’t notice silence with good friends- especially when you’re hungry.
“I had the weirdest dream last night.” I commented after my last gulp of Panini.
“Yeah? What was it about?”
I stopped for a moment. “Well, I have no idea. I think that is why it bugs me.”
“What do you mean? Did you forget it?”
“No, I remember it. Was in a forest, looking for something.”
Chelsi slurped on a lemonade and looked at me curiously. “So what?”
“I don’t know. I really wanted to find it. I really, really, wanted to find it. ” I needed to find it.
Her eyes rolled slightly. “Dreams are bullshit.” She laughed. “Don’t get all worked up about it. Just forget it.” She smiled, “Imagine how I felt when I woke up and realized I didn’t actually go on a date with Pierce Bronsan. Yeah, it sucked.”
I laughed. Chelsi always had a thing for older guys. Her last boyfriend was almost ten years older than her. It was kind of creepy if you ask me.
After work, you go home. That is how it always was. I felt surprisingly happy to come home. I liked what Chelsi told me. Dreams don’t mean anything- they really don’t. Even if dreams did mean something, it would be better for me to just believe that they didn’t. The elevator up to my floor was empty- everyone was out getting drinks. Ding: floor six. The doors closed behind me loudly as I walked down the hall. My tiniest of heels still made the loudest of clacking noises on the paper-thin carpet- probably covering cement. Wait… I don’t live on floor six. I awkwardly walked back to the elevator. I waited there for a few minutes. No elevators were going up, all of them were going down. God did that make me feel anti-social. Finally though, the door opened. A tall guy, about my age, was standing in the elevator.
His name was Trevor. He was wearing black jeans, a light blue, slightly-wrinkled dress shirt and some sneakers. I had exchanged many casual conversations before with him. He smiled at me politely. I stood next to him, not before smiling back and saying “Hi”. A moment passed before I decided to say something.
“Not going out?”
“Hah, no, I am pretty beat from work. My couch awaits me.”
I laughed a little. That sounded like something I would say. “Me too. What do you do, anyway?”
“I’m a journalist. Staring at words all day can sometimes be a drag even though I love it.”
“I can only imagine.”
“What do you do?”
“I’m an accountant.”
He was silent for a moment. “Numbers eh? God, I hate math.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I do too sometimes. But I’m good at it.”
He smirked. “Are you wiped out too? I bet numbers are even more tedious.”
“I am. But I am always a little beat on Thursday.”
“Aren’t we all. But tomorrow is Friday. Hang in there.”
I laughed. “Yeah, you do the same.”
I walked out of the elevator, and he followed. Trevor’s apartment was diagonal from mine.
“Have a good night Trevor.” I said sweetly- maybe a little too sweetly. But I liked saying his name.
“You too, Leila.”
I was closing my door when I heard his voice again.
“Hey, I’m having a party next Friday. You should come.”
“I’ll have to check with my personal secretary.”
He laughed. “I’ll need that humor. You’ll keep my guests entertained.”
“I’ll be there.”
The door shut. I almost wished I invited him inside…
I stared into my empty apartment. I guess I should sleep now. But I didn’t sleep much at all. I just listened to the howl of the wind and watched the flickering of the bright yellow come into my room. The neighbor’s backyard has a light that automatically flickers on once it detects movement. It was like this every windy night. Time went by, maybe hours or just minutes, but the longer I lay there the longer I wished to never fall asleep again. Instead, I thought of Trevor’s sneakers and the way they sounded walking down the hallway.
Chapter 4
My intestines curled into a fetal position in my abdomen. Letting out a yawn, I became aware of my sore throat. I would’ve thought I was getting sick, but I just knew it wasn’t from that. That dream… I had it again. Something in my mind pushed through thousands of memories to try and uncover the one that mattered. The pathetic attempts failed so I tried to push these thoughts away. Powerless. A human’s privacy is precious, and in dreams there is none. You are exposed. You can attempt to seize your sleep and your dreams but you will never be able to run from yourself. Screw it.
At work, I was running on two full mugs of coffee and three painkillers. It didn’t matter how long I slept- if anything the sleep made me feel worse. At least it is Friday. Everyone jiggled around the office wearing their best suits. The receptionist wore bright red lipstick, a new dress suit and three inch heels. She was obviously getting laid tonight. Once lunch rolled around, I was literally the only person at the office. I wanted to sleep on my desk but I figured I should probably eat. I pulled out a Chinese take-out box of lomein from a couple days before. I forgot to eat it last night. I forgot to eat at all. I finished it within a couple minutes. I was much hungrier than I thought. Then, just as I was about to doze off, my phone rang.
“Leila speaking.”
“Hey you.”
It was Sky. “Hi. What’s up?”
“I just wanted to say hi. Your phone has been off for the last couple days. I was getting worried.”
Shit… I forgot to turn that on. “Aw, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. I’ve been pretty busy and my phone likes to randomly die on me.”
“You really should get a new phone, it isn’t reliable at all! Hah, you’ve had that old phone since I’ve known you.”
“Some things are hard to let go of. But, I’ll get around to it. Next pay-check.”
“You better. But anyway, you should come over tonight. I’m making dinner.”
“Sounds good to me. What’re you making?”
“You’ll have to wait and see. Come over at seven!”
“Will do.”
“I love you.”
“Love you too.”
Dead air. I let out a sigh. I felt bad. I bet he was getting himself all worked up wondering what I was doing. I really should turn on that phone…
“Ooh la la! Now, who was that!” Frank popped up from behind my cubicle. I guess I wasn’t the last in the office.
“God! Frank, you scared me.”
He had more energy than I did sometimes.
“Now what did I tell you about those three dreaded words! You’re too young for that, Rose. Too young! I’m telling you!”
“I know, I know. But sometimes these things happen! Slip of the tongue!”
“Yeah, yeah I’ve heard that all before. That boy is way too in love with you! He is always calling here looking for you. Isn’t this the same boy you missed last year’s award dinner because!?”
“It was his birthday, I just couldn’t miss it!”
“You won the award for the best new accountant…”
He walked away muttering something under his breath. Frank was the only person I know who didn’t adore Sky. Well, almost the only person.
I went to Sky’s house a little late. With the office quiet, and everyone leaving a little early on Friday, I got a lot of work done. Monday would be an easy day of work. Stepping fast, I ran up his front porch. I knocked on the ruby red door timidly. It was 7:30. Please don’t be pissed. But he didn’t answer. No lights on either. Not even home? I reached under his welcome mat and picked up the spare key. It wasn’t dusty like the rest of the concrete. Sometimes I felt like I used his spare key more than my own house key.
Soft vocals echoed from his room upstairs. He always left music on. I always liked that. His house had a lot of character: hardwood floor in the entire house, and lots of interesting door knobs and crown molding. His aunt used to own the house, but died two years ago. Sky was like a son to her and she never had children of her own. I remember Sky’s parents not being surprised at all when Sky received the house. Not much changed about the house aside from the fact that it didn’t smell like moth balls anymore.
I felt a soft kiss on my forehead.
“You never get tired of this album, do you?”
I had fallen asleep in Sky’s bed listening to The Smiths. The Queen is Dead is probably the best album I’ve ever listened to. “Never ever.”
“I’m sorry I’m late. A few people from the meeting today asked me to stay at the office for a bit. They’re actually trying to hire me for the assistant director of marketing for their company. I told them I’d think about it.”
“That’s great Sky.” I kissed him back on the forehead. I bet you were showing off for an hour.
“Dinner is ready.” He scooped me up and carried me down the stairs. Sure, it was corny but he could always pull of stuff like that. I was still kind of angry, but I, myself had not grown completely tired of his charm. And he was always so sincere…
He made seafood pasta with a sweet marinara sauce. Two glasses of wine were already poured for us. All the lights were off in the kitchen aside from the light above the table. I was more excited to eat than to stare at table setting like most women love to do. I kissed Sky and smiled brightly. He let me down from his arms. The hardwood was cold. I tiptoed to my seat at the table.
“I’m giving you lots of pasta. You need some more meat on those bones.” Sky commented as he made my plate. He wasn’t lying. I was practically stuffed by the end of dinner. One of the great things about Sky was that he was an amazing cook. If his charm didn’t win you over, his cooking probably would.
We laid down in bed an hour or so after dinner. We were both pretty tired, but we couldn’t sleep until Sky talked for an hour. Sometimes, Sky would talk for two hours. I don’t know how I how I always managed to stay awake. Not that he isn’t interesting, he is, I just didn’t like how he always had to fill the silence.
“So the president of the company says, “If you don’t stay here kid, you better come work for me.” I swear I thought I was blushing.”
“ Tell him that if he has an opening for a job to let me know.” I guess I was too tired to really give him the praise he was looking for.
“Why?” He seemed concerned; maybe even upset.
“Well if he’s paying 70K to new workers, I’d be willing to take a stab at his line of work.” I laughed a little at the idea. I’d never be able to leave the office.
“You’d never be able to leave the office.”
He didn’t say so in a rude way, but in a honest way.
I fell asleep shortly after that thought.
Chapter 5
Morning came somehow, even though it felt like I was asleep forever, without getting much sleep at all. Pain emerged from someplace inside me and immediately began to nip my stomach. Maybe it was just an irrational anxiety from the dream, but why shouldn’t I feel worried? A part of me, a subconscious part of me was planting this dream into my sleep and watching it grow into a nightmare of the day. What the hell is going on.
By the time I woke up, Sky wasn’t in bed. He always was somewhat productive in the morning, unlike myself. I decided to evaluate the lines in the ceiling for a while. As I was doing so, I felt some sort of anticipation building in my veins, like I was about to get punched in the gut or get kissed for the first time. I tried to walk it off. I jumped out of bed and went downstairs to see what Sky was up to. He had made himself a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee. He was silently eating and reading a newspaper when I walked into the kitchen.
“I was thinking.” Sky started. “We should go on a walk this morning.”
I walked into the foyer and peeked out the front door. It looked quite beautiful outside.
“We should. It looks gorgeous outside.” I struggled to finish my thought, as my stomach pulsed. I must’ve let out a painful sigh.
“Are you alright?” Sky got up from his seat and walked over to me. He was wearing blue plaid boxers and a grey sweatshirt big enough for the both of us to fit in it.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m really fine.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t go on a walk. Want me to make you something to eat?”
“No, no really I’m fine. Some fresh air will be good for me.”Sky kept walking to the fridge. I walked up behind him and leaned down into the fridge. “Really. Let’s go for a walk.” I just couldn’t stand the thought of eating. Sky’s head didn’t emerge from the fridge for a few long seconds. Finally, he stood up and turned back at me. He smiled. He smiled like he was analyzing me, like he was seeing past every dead skin cell on my surface and every ounce of bone marrow in my body. For a moment, it frightened me. I told my thoughts to run and hide before he heard them without me speaking them. But then, as he kept smiling, I stopped. My muscles weren’t tense and my fingers weren’t frozen. Maybe, he should know.
He continued to smile, in a casual way, as he walked up the stairs to put on more sensible clothing. I watched him and he watched my eyes until he disappeared past the wall.
We went for, what became a short walk. The weather was perfect. I used to think about the beauty of a clear spring day often. In the past, I’ve found more beauty in purpose than purpose in beauty, so, I tried thinking of other things besides nice weather. Everyone was walking around the city differently that day; wearing their good moods’ on their sleeves. Something in their bodies punched out their legs and they moved without the need of subconscious joint movements. It interested me. It drew me to the faces of people- their hair blowing back in the jet streams of wind: tumbling into alley ways and street corners. I could see people’s eyes. Could they possibly be opening their eyes finally? Could they be breaking their own braces? Sky seemed especially exuberant that morning.
“I hope it is like this every day this week. Maybe we could finally head out of the city for a day. Go fishing or something like that.”
He sounded like a little kid, the way he fantasized with his eyes and looked at the sky. I took his hand and held it like lovers did in the park we were walking into. He kept rambling about his summer fishing trips he’d take with his grandfather, who despised the city. His grandfather would take him for weeks at a time and camp with him and show him how to cast a line like a true fisherman.
Louis, Sky’s grandfather, was one of the most intelligent people I’d ever met. He was modest- always reading but never preaching. Him and I had gotten very close the last few months he was alive. I was never one to initiate a conversation with a wise old person, even though I was always curious as to what they had learned. One day, Sky and I were invited to his house for brunch. Sky was meeting me there, but he was late. I sat down at the kitchen table for a while with Sky’s grandfather. After a long period of stillness between the two of us, he told me something. It came out of nowhere, but came from somewhere; I don’t know where from. He told me,
“The city will only kill you, Leila. Your spirit, my god, your spirit wants more for you than this city. Sky will kill you, too. He will keep you here. He will keep you in one place. He will build you into a woman of routine. Maybe not even a woman- maybe a robot.” I had nothing to say. What could I say? I had no idea what he was talking about. He scared me. He bleached every color I had in my face right off me. His wrinkled eyelids quivered for a moment but then steadied.
“A river is never the same, Leila. A river is constantly moving. This river you live in isn’t the same as it was when you entered my home. Sky will never understand this like you do. Do not mention this to him. I’ve tried to tell him. He doesn’t understand and he never will. But you understand. Not now, but you will. You will.”
Sky’s grip on my hand was growing loose. He moved around the park, always becoming distracted by something. He never stopped moving. I let go of his hand, and tried to put away the memory of what his grandfather told me. “Let’s go home.” Sky and I walked back to my apartment. The sun was getting hot, so we walked sluggishly into the shadows of a few alley ways. We finally reached my apartment.
“God, I feel like I haven’t been here in forever.” Sky said. He approached the elevator with some sort of nostalgia. It annoyed me, even if this nostalgia wasn’t meant to try and make me feel guilty for not charging my phone often. I brushed it off when I heard the elevator open. We didn’t talk on our way up. Sky was probably thinking about the reasons why I didn’t invite him over in a while and I was thinking about what I’d say if he asked about it. There was never any tension in the air though- never. Coming out of the elevator, I heard a door shut loudly and footsteps. I remembered those intriguing footsteps. I left the elevator first, and Sky followed. Trevor was walking down the hallway. He smiled at me brightly, and I admired his smile for a moment before I felt Sky’s feet behind me.
“Hey Leila! Isn’t it gorgeous outside?”
“Yes! We actually just got back from a walk. You should see the way peoples’ faces light up when it gets nice outside.”
“I bet. I know I was excited to be alive this morning. Hah. And who’s your friend? I think I’ve seen you around before. I’m Trevor.”
“Oh sorry..” I was interrupted by Sky.
“Good to meet you. I’m Sky, Leila’s boyfriend.”
We were all quiet for a moment. Sky’s tone of voice made me freeze. I wanted to look at what Trevor’s face looked like but I waited a few moments.
Trevor smiled and ignored the moment of silence. “Well, that’s probably why I’ve seen you! I already told Leila, but I’m having a party soon, so you’re welcome to join Leila.”
“I’ll do that.” I glanced, not completely, back at Sky. He continued, “Sounds like fun.”
Trevor smiled again. All of a sudden, he seemed to be in a hurry. “Awesome. Well I’ll see you two around!” He disappeared into the elevator.
“Wow. He’s quite the character isn’t he?” Sky cleared his throat and kept walking. I reached in my bag for my keys, but they were hiding someplace. “He had some nerve looking at you like that, with that dumb smile on his face. I’ve never seen that guy in my life.”
I ignored Sky for another moment until I found my keys. “Yeah, he’s pretty nice.”
Sky put his arm across the doorframe. “Well, he shouldn’t expect us there.” I looked up at him for a moment and unlocked the door.
“It’ll be fun. I think we should go. He has a lot of cool friends.”
“No thanks.”
Soon after that, Sky left for a get together that he didn’t bother inviting me to. I didn’t mind that he was going. He didn’t need my permission. I chuckled at the impression he had of our little situations. If only he realized I didn’t need his permission either.
Chapter 6
I am searching
Nothing else could matter
I need it
Nothing else
I woke up Sunday morning, unsettled. My blankets were on the floor. I had a slight headache. I immediately remembered, in painful detail, the dream. I had it, again. I remember the desperate curiosity slowing turning into necessity. I remember the déjà vu and the taste of fulfillment barely touching my tongue. But it was all the same. I had seen this all before. I got out of my bare bed and walked into the kitchen. The home phone was making an annoying beeping sound. Two new voicemails were waiting for me and it was only 9:00 am on a Sunday. I listened to the first one.
“Hi sweetie. Come by for dinner tomorrow tonight. Your father is making grilled salmon and wild rice. Love you.”
That was an awfully short message. My mom wasn’t one to keep a phone call short and sweet. The next message started playing before I had time to contemplate dinner.
“Leila, it’s Sara. I’ll be over soon.”
That was it. Well, I guess Sara is coming over. I didn’t even want to go to dinner. I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to be with myself for a while. But the door knocked before I could spend some valuable time immersed in my thoughts.
“Hey you, I just got your message.”
“Hi baby sister.” Sara hugged me and invited herself in. She looked tired, but it is always so easy to get tired these days.
“I thought I’d stop by and say hi. I haven’t seen you in weeks.” It had been longer than that.
“Hah, yeah it has been weeks. But what did you really come over for?” I smiled and closed the door behind me. Sara played with her gold hoop earrings as she thought for a moment. They shimmered proudly, almost boastfully. They clicked against her nails and swayed after she let go of them. They casted circular shadows against her neck, accented with lines of white reflecting light. They were still ugly though.
“I need your help.” I wanted to roll my eyes, but I was too concerned to do so.
“What’s the matter?” She smiled nervously, the way she does when something bad happened and it looks like she is enjoying the bad news. Sometimes I wondered if she did.
“I’ve gained myself some debt.” She didn’t say anything else.
“How’d you do that?”
There was a silence that filled the air. It was the silence filled with thoughts being scrapped up and scavenged to compose a perfectly believable lie.
“I’ve been going out too much. I can’t pay my credit card bill this month.” She took a seat at the kitchen table. Ding.
“Do you want some coffee?” I poured myself a cup after turning off the rattling coffee maker.
“Sure.” I set a mug in front of her. She held the mug but didn’t taste the coffee. “Ah, this mug, eh?” Looking up from my coffee, I looked at the mug. It had a sketch on the front of a duck. The picture scanned on the front was in crayon and thick lines of marker.
“Huh, would you look at that. You drew that, didn’t you?”
“Haha, yeah! God I haven’t seen that in forever. I gave it to dad. I can’t remember how many mugs I ever gave him; too many to count.”
“I know, right? And we’d always get pissed if he didn’t use the mugs we got him. We made him feel so guilty.”
“Same thing with mom when she didn’t wear the beaded lizards we made on her keys. They always looked like snakes- no, not even snakes- like worms.” I laughed for a while. I forgot about those beaded lizards and how proud we were of them.
“How much money do you need?” I pulled out my wallet. I had a fifty, a ten and two credit cards.
“Fifty. Not much. My payment is due by the end of today though. I’m sorry I came over such short notice.” Only fifty? I handed her the fifty dollar bill. She folded it and put it into her purse.
“I’ve been having this dream, Sara.” I didn’t know where my comment came from. Before I knew I was talking, it had already been said.
“What’s it about?” She sat up in her chair.
“I am in a forest. Everything is dark and cold and I’m just walking. I am walking for what seems like hours. I am not just walking though, I am looking for something. I need it. I can’t live without it it seems like. I just need it.”
“What is it?”
“I don’t know. And I never find it.” Sara sat back a little in her chair.
“Well, what do you think it is?”
“Hell, I don’t know.”
“Have you and Sky been doing okay lately?” I was taken back for a moment.
“Yeah, the same as always I guess. Why?”
“Well, I don’t know. Maybe you were looking for him in the dream?” I thought about that for a moment. Coffee slid down my throat in tiny sips.
“No. It isn’t a person. It isn’t him.” I remained silent. I felt distant from the chair I sat in. I came back down into the atmosphere.
“This is really troubling you, isn’t it?” She looked into my eyes to search for something herself.
“No, I just, I don’t know. Goddamn curiosity, you know? Just my dumb dreams and my eager imagination…”
Sara’s cell phone beeped and vibrated for a moment. She quickly grabbed it from her purse. A moment passed before she slapped the phone closed and got up from her seat.
“Time to go. Things to do, people to see.”
From my window, I saw her walk to the street corner of my apartment complex. A plain looking guy placed something in her pocket and she gave her the fifty.
A knot in my esophagus and a craving for the largest mug of coffee I had is what greeted me the next morning. This dream won’t leave. And a part of me wouldn’t let it leave until I knew what ‘it’ was. For now I’d just go to work. For now I’d just go where everything made sense. But as I shut the front door behind me, I heard another door shut right after.
“Hey you.” It was Trevor.
“Good morning. Excited for work today?” I said as I examined his pin-stripe suit. It looks like something I’d wear if I was a guy.
“Not exactly, I could have sworn today was Sunday. Oh well. The work week won’t wait for me and neither will the land lord, so, I’m going to work today anyway.” He smiled and we started towards to elevator.
“You’d never be able to tell you weren’t expecting a work day. You look very put together this morning.” I realized what I said. Wait, what? No, it is okay. It is just an innocent compliment. Wait, why am I even thinking that I’d be flirting?…
“Aw, thanks. I guess your poise is rubbing off on me.” For a moment, the knot that tangled my words eased away. My hands pressed against my smile before I could look at him again.
“If only you were right.”
By the time I got to work, I was already positive today would be a great day. I flung open the office door flamboyantly. I must’ve said hello to every single person in the office that day; especially the people I barely knew. I just kept thinking about that pin-stripe suit and how much I loved it. How happy it made me to think about it…
“Someone is awfully jolly this morning.” Frank walked over to my cubicle.
“Now what makes you say that?”
He glanced at my fingers, which were twirled loose hairs from my bun. “Oh, just a habit.” He walked away with a look in his eyes. He was almost as pleased as I was. But we were probably the only ones. Everyone else seemed distracted. The response “Pardon me, what did you say?” was the most common of them all. I couldn’t tell why at first, until Jack came over to my desk. His posture was lacking, but his eyes made up for his lack of emotion. They stared into mine for a long time, like what he was going to say had to escape the trenches of his heart before they reached my ears.
“I- I’m sorry. I completely forget what I was going over here for… Uhm, if you’d excuse me.” I didn’t respond to his words; he left before I could. I’m not sure what I would’ve said anyway. I know when people ask me if I am doing okay, it makes me almost burst into tears. Besides, Jack was Jack. He always took care of things. I didn’t see how this could be any different. Optimism, optimism, optimism. I was good at it that day.
By the end of work though, I wasn’t tired like I typically was. A new found energy was dug up from under my skin and I found myself running with it. When I got home, I wasn’t in the mood for lying down or light reading. I wasn’t even in the mood to eat. Walking in the door of my apartment, I was almost tempted to just step back out. My thoughts roamed and poked at the idea of just leaving. Just go, put on your coat and close the door behind you. I don’t think I had smiled so brightly to myself in a long time. I thought I was going to leave- without another millisecond of thought. But, then something caught my eye. It was a small, white cardboard box- about as big as a dollar bill with the same shape. I walked over to the kitchen table where it sat patiently. In blue ink, my name was written on its surface. I could feel my joints shift stiffly as I sat down at the table. My eyes moved towards the door, but my finger slid under the one piece of tape that held the top of the box down. It broke easily, and the box’s top flapped open like window shutters. Inside was a delicately wrapped éclair. Wax paper covered its sides but not its sheen of creamy chocolate. Between the box and the wax paper was a small note. Carefully, I began to remove the note from the inlay of the box. Just as the note was almost out, its covered cut into the top of the éclair. I picked up the rest of the note without care and wiped the chocolate off the note with a finger. How sweet of him. I expected a small “I love you” on the note, but these words were not present. The note read,
Hey baby sister.
Try this, it is the best in the city.
– Sara.
A few things disturbed me about this message. One being that Sara somehow had a key to my apartment. Two being that I wouldn’t be getting paid back for a while if at all. Why else would she butter me up like that? I felt bad thinking these things but this is who Sara was. Maybe she really just thought I’d like one…I put the note down quickly to stare at the desert. No, she didn’t. In a brash way, I picked it up. Without hesitance, I ate it quickly- like a hungry dog. I chewed only so I could finish the éclair- not because I wanted to eat it. And afterwards, I felt hungry. It was an incredible hunger that I had known well. I thought about picking up and leaving after that, but I couldn’t bring myself move from my chair. I sat there for a long time until I realized my mom had invited me to dinner. Walking to the door, I could have sworn I heard the sound of iron chains running along the hardwood.
Chapter 7
“Well don’t you look pretty!” My Mom opened the door slowly but her arms quickly.
“Thanks Mom.” I hugged her back equally as tight. I could hear banging pots behind her.
“Where’s Sky?” My mom asked.
I walked in the house and begun to take off my shoes immediately. It was pretty obvious that she had been cleaning all day for tonight, but it was not because I was coming.
“I don’t know where he is. Probably finishing up work or something.”
“Well, what time will he be here?”
I stopped untying my shoes for a moment. “I didn’t know he was coming…”
My mom sighed. “Whoops. Well, I thought it would be good for us all start having dinner again. You guys are getting pretty serious.”
“Yeah, I guess so. We’ve always been like this.”
She nodded. “That’s true. He’s always been very serious about you Leila. He’ll end up asking you to marry him.”
“Please don’t mention that at dinner, Mom.” I knew she would be the first to bring it up. For a moment I was surprised with my response. Please don’t mention it? No, she shouldn’t even think about it. I couldn’t consider it. I wouldn’t….
“Oh shush, I won’t!” She smiled sneakily, winked, and then walked into the kitchen. My feet kept me still to finish my thoughts until I rolled my eyes and followed. The house smelt like familiar herbs that I never knew the names of.
“Hey!” My Dad called from the stove.
I walked over to the couch in the living room to sit down. “I’ve been waiting all day for this dinner- maybe longer.” Even if I had almost forgotten, I loved my Dad’s cooking.
“I hope it exceeds your every expectation.”
By 7:30 p.m., my parents were starving. Sky wasn’t there, but I didn’t expect him to be. My parents did expect him to be there, though. But, of course, nothing was ever said. No one ever questioned Sky. Everyone liked Sky too much to be upset with him. A little before 8:00 p.m., Sky showed up. He was dressed in a perfectly ironed button up with khakis. It was no wonder he showed up looking like a goddamn model. All he had to do was try and little bit and he looked like effortless perfection.
“Honey, I’m home!” He yelled into the house.
My mom got up from her seat to greet him. He was holding a bouquet of wild flowers.
“These are for my second mother!” He kissed my Mom on the cheek and handed her the flowers quaintly. My dad stayed at the table- perfecting the plate of salmon. At one point I thought he was doing this because he wanted to impress Sky, but I know this was never so.
“You’re making me look bad.” My dad shook Sky’s hand and walked back into the kitchen and began to fill the water glasses.
“Hey. Fashionably late as always I see.” I smiled.
He kissed me on the cheek, too. He then whispered in my ear, “I missed you.”
My stomach churned uncontrollably so I moved my hands from his shoulders to my abdomen. He didn’t notice, he just breathed into my ear for a moment. Delighted, my mom went to the kitchen. Sky put his hand to the back of my head, and moved my gaze to his.
“I always miss you.”
My hands relaxed a moment as I looked at him. In moments like those, I remembered why I loved him- that honest stare. He knew he would be late, and I did too. I was the only person he could ever show his faults to. A quiver touched my lips, as if I wanted to kiss him for it. Everyone in the world loved him and he was told it often. Never did he ask to be told, he just was. This is true for everyone he knew- aside from me. He was desperate for my reassurance; not just because he loved me the most, but because I knew him the most.
We all sat at the table and dug in without wasting a minute. Who knows how long my parents had been waiting to eat- probably before I even arrived. There was a period of time that we all ate in silence and kept our own thoughts company. This period was short, but that is only what I expected. Sky had three stories to tell, and they required ample time for laughter. After dinner and lots of conversation, Sky and my Mom did the dishes together. Sky offered to finish them, but my Mom was too busy talking to really notice. I went outside with my Dad and sat on the front porch for a bit.
“So, I’ve been having this really weird dream lately.” I talked out into the silence of a few moments.
“You’ve always had weird dreams ever since you were little.” He chuckled. “Remember the dream you had about your mom and I turning into frogs?”
I laughed for a long time. It was a good laugh, and I remember that it was much needed.
“This one is different though.” I felt the silence catch up with me again.
“Okay, well what is it about?” He seemed somewhat interested. I just wanted him to tell me it meant nothing, though.
“It is just me. I am pretty sure I’m alone and I’m in a forest someplace. The entire dream is just me looking for something. I just keep looking for it and I just never find it, ever.”
I expected him to brush me off. My Dad is a man of logic, and dreams aren’t logical.
“A dreamer’s subconscious controls everything in the dream-world. You could experience a dream that open past wounds, creates new wounds, surfaces fears, but you are essentially doing it to yourself. A dreamer’s worry, sadness, confusion, love and deepest of emotions can be hand selected by their subconscious self and placed in their dreams. Emotion gives a dream power, while wearing down the power of the dreamer.”
“Sounds like me versus myself.”
My dad laughed. “It is kind of like that.”
I couldn’t tell how I was supposed to feel. Should I feel empowered? Should I feel betrayed?
My dad began, “Maybe…” He looked for the right way to put it, but his struggle ended bluntly with, “Have you ever tried lucid dreaming?”
I thought about what he said. What bliss these thoughts contained. Maybe I enjoyed them because he had caught on to something, but I think it was mostly because our conversation had exceeded every expectation I had for it.
“Yeah, maybe I’ll try it out.”
“Finish what you started, Leila.”
And with that, we went back inside.
When I got home, I couldn’t wait to jump into bed. I didn’t bother changing or showering because sleeping meant more. It meant more than anything else. I forgot to lock the front door that night.
My legs are bare
white
bruised and cut
beautiful
dreamy
I am searching
Let’s try this way
Nothing else could matter
Let’s try that way
I need it
Nothing else
Waking up
Did I…
A blank stare at the ceiling and the silent thought, I don’t want to get up. For the first time in weeks, I wanted to sleep again, yet I wasn’t tired. For the first time in weeks, I had the dream without waking up to pulsing headaches. For the first time ever, I had lucid dreamt. No, I had not entirely lucid dreamt, but for a sweet moment. Momentarily, I walked where I wanted. I searched, not mindlessly, but with a conscious desire that I still remember. Momentarily, I was free.
I sought out an excuse to sleep in, but found none suitable for missing work. Walking to work was like dragging a dead body up a hill. Work itself was just as tedious. Tension wrapped its arms around mine when I reached to open the office door. It poured itself on me when I entered. An office of forty or so people was almost completely silent. No one spoke louder than a loud whisper. Something in my throat told me to scream but I restrained myself. The posture of the office was perfect, and when someone answered a phone, their voice sounded like an infomercial. I sat at my desk, hoping I hadn’t just walked into an episode of the Twilight Zone.
Frank walked over to my desk- almost as silent as a tip-toe. “Did you hear Leila?”
“That everyone has turned into robots?”
Frank laughed. It echoed quietly and I heard someone far-away shush him silently. “Rumor has it that Jack is making serious cuts. Half of the office might be gone by Friday.” He waited for a look of shock, fear, or something along those lines.
I quickly widened my eyes and whispered, “How could he do that? Forty people can barely handle this work load.”
Frank nodded and looked up and out from my cubicle to make sure no one listening. I wanted to laugh at his suspicious glances at the others around us, but I was too busy looking worried. I wondered why I wasn’t worried. I certainly was one of the newest employees there. I was a hard worker, but didn’t have a family to feed. My job was hanging by a thread. If anything, I felt like smiling. I felt like taking Frank’s hands and kissing them and then walking out of the office and never returning. I could feel the chains crumbling.
“Leila, I am afraid for your job. I am afraid for my job. I wanted to tell you that if Jack fires you, I won’t be coming back.”
No longer did my excited feet move about. Frank was serious, and I was seriously concerned. He called me by name. He called me by name…
“Listen, Frank, I appreciate your thought. If I am cut, I want you to keep your job. Don’t quit on behalf, please.” Frank had such a kind heart, but no way of knowing I was silently relieved by these rumors. I couldn’t tell him and I couldn’t convince him otherwise without doing so.
“I will take care of things, Miss.”
Sometimes, it was enough. The pages covered in numbers and fixed decimals were enough. The lukewarm coffee and graphite on my fingers were enough, too. Sometimes though, they weren’t enough. I was never reassured by them, only ignored. They forced me to speculate the absolute nature of this live I lived, yet had no intention of answering any questions. I’d wake up in the dead of night with arguments and rebuttal on my lips. I found my eye taking to windows, in hope I’d see something new for myself. I was outdated. This city was transforming though. Empty spaces were being replaced by people and people being replaced by machines. I knew I’d wake up one morning and not even recognize this place. As much as that frightened me, I was looking forward to it. Comfort stemmed form that unacquainted city. It was the comfort that my life could change too. But I knew my eyes recognized these streets better than the back of my hand. I kept looking at those pages filled with numbers and fixed decimals. And I kept drinking that lukewarm coffee. And I kept wiping that graphite off my fingers. I was starring into a mirror at a girl who believed in the difference of numbers and no people. Every second I was growing closer to the moment when I no longer believed in reformation and only permanence. People never really change, so I couldn’t expect this perpetual life of mine to change either.
By lunchtime everyone was ready to get out of the office and actually breathe. Some stayed behind and kept working to show their work ethic, but I was not one of those people. I, instead, went to a favorite sub shop right down the street. I didn’t have to think about going there; my feet took me there. I didn’t realize until after I was already in line that I wasn’t hungry. I sat down at a steel table outside by myself after that. I was another list of mindless actions.
That night, back at home, Sky invited himself over. I would have invited him if he dropped a hint, but he decided to come over unexpectedly instead. I would have enjoyed his spontaneity, but this sort of spontaneity was expected. It was like telling someone to sleep with one eye open: you haven’t completely destroyed your element of surprise but it isn’t nearly what it could have been.
We went to sleep pretty early. The both of us were too tired to talk much, or drink much or kiss much. I tried to fall asleep fast before Sky asked me about work. I didn’t want to think about it. The more I thought about how much I didn’t want to think about it, the more I thought about it. Many excuses filled my mind; excuses as to why I felt the way I did about Jack letting people go. I still wonder why I never lie about the way I feel and only lie about why I feel the way I do. Sky fell asleep before I did, so it was safe to wander with my thoughts elsewhere. They didn’t go far before I, too, fell asleep.
Wind and sound were absent but I didn’t miss them. Everything was dark like it was supposed to be. It was perfect. It must’ve been three or so in the morning. The feeling of my body on the shitty mattress wasn’t so shitty. This is new. I turned my head to look out the window. The moon. Stars. I’d forgotten that this city ever had any. The specks of white were clear and intentional, but the way they were arranged, was so careless. It didn’t frighten me like it used to. I thought again, as I did before, beauty isn’t always full of purpose. Freedom from purpose. I looked at my empty hands and placed them under my head. A smile, so subtly, touched my lips. I adjusted myself and gazed up into the night. Insomnia wasn’t meant to be so pleasant, but it was. A hand brushed against my arm. He was awake.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many stars in this city; ever!”
I wished he would have whispered or said not a word at all. I remained quiet. He leaned over me and opened the window. It was up in three loud jerks. He poked his head out into the night. “Look! There is Orion’s belt. Can you believe that!” His long arm stabbed into the darkness. Suddenly, the fluorescent spotlight from the neighbor’s house flickered on. This light was much different from the moon. I watched the stars decay and fade away in less than a moment- dead. I turned my head towards the ceiling. The ceiling starred back at me, colored in that malicious, sleepless white. He said something else, but it was said in vain. I shut my eyes. I hated him.
Chapter 8
That morning, I felt almost relieved. My first stretch of that morning is something I still wish I could feel again. He had already left. When I got up from bed, work came to mind and it didn’t make me feel tired like it usually did. Walking out the door, I realized I hadn’t remembered dreaming last night.
The stroll to work was more of a fast paced strut. I wasn’t feeling quite like me. I hadn’t had a cup of coffee that morning. Did I forget to close the front door? My thoughts were sporadic but I followed them perfectly as they came. I almost passed by my fellow worker bee, completely, without saying hello.
“Hey! I almost passed right by you.”
Jeff stopped nervously to speak. “The office is closed today. Have you been there yet?”
I tried to correct my facial expressions when I saw that Jeff was frowning.
“What? Why would it be closed? It hasn’t been closed a day in the past ten years.”
“He left a note on the door. It just says that it won’t be opened today. What is that supposed to mean? Do you think he is closing down the office for good?”
I wanted to press my hands over Jeff’s stuttering mouth but I sighed instead.
“Don’t jump to any conclusions. Just enjoy your day off!”
He mumbled something and kept walking. He didn’t notice that I kept walking to the office to see for myself that it was closed, and it was. The note on the door read,
“The office will be closed today.
- Jack
I changed my direction towards home, but didn’t plan on going there. My cell phone buzzed in my pocket like a summer wasp. I picked it up.
“24 New Text Messages.” I knew many of them had been from days before, so I read only the most recent.
One was sent at 2:32 A.M. that day. It was from Chelsi. It read, “I can’t sleep. Let’s go out to lunch tomorrow if you want. I miss you.”
The second was sent at 6:02 A.M that day. It was from Sky. It read, “Sorry, I had to leave early for work again. I love you. See you soon.”
The third was sent at 8:10 A.M that moment. It was from Sara. It read, “I hope you liked your éclair.”
I only thought about replying to Chelsi, but I decided it was best if I didn’t. After reading the messages, I felt tired. I decided it was from the lack of caffeine. I walked immediately to the coffee shop. It was busy inside, so I took a seat out front in the middle of busy sidewalks and claustrophobic glances.
There really was no point to going back home. I would just sit in bed and do nothing. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I didn’t feel like doing anything. It made me sad. It made me sad when I thought of myself sitting alone at home. It made me sad when I thought of myself sitting alone at that coffee shop alone. For a moment I was free. I no longer had the responsibilities of work knocking on my skull. But what had I done? I rolled back into my routine. I stayed with my familiars. What have I done…
I watched them. They hurried along to meet their deadlines and monthly goals that didn’t mean much to anyone but them. Each of their movement became more mechanical than the last. Either it was from the caffeine crashes, or from the routine. I thought they were stupid, but they could have been that modest. I still don’t know for sure. All I knew is that I was surrounded by fermions. I was, no doubt, also a fermion. Here we are: living in one universe. As if that wasn’t hard enough for me to nod off to, but what is this I’ve heard? A universe is barely sawdust in the grand scheme. What even is this “grand scheme”? What does that make me then? What did that make us all? Not even femions. We are feeble vibrations in space. So when I looked into that city street- at the thousands of people passing me by- I envied them. Not because they had accepted their self-purposed meaning or they had accepted their meaninglessness. It was because they were the vibrations who didn’t stop moving. That is all a vibration can do- move. They were the vibrations with blood pumping by indifferent command. But, unlike myself, they refused to be frozen by their insignificance. They refused to be phased. Maybe they’d never accept this insignificance we all shared, but who cares? They didn’t care. They lived on; happy as their minuscule lives let them. They kept vibrating. And there I was- still.
Once, I had tried to misplace my phone, but a son-of-a-bitch dropped it by the office the next day. If I ever found out who they were, I’d probably scream at them until they begged to keep the piece of plastic filth. I glanced down at my phone, and at the unread messages it contained. As much as the words and thoughts these people felt towards me, I was fighting to release them- to forget them. I just wanted to be free. I just wanted to prove to myself that I could change. I just wanted to move on with my life and be free from the longing of purpose and free from the routines that had given me no purpose.
By the time I was done thinking, I didn’t want that disgusting coffee. Never again would it touch my lips. Every movement that I made though, I became more disgusted. I felt the longing to go home, but after work always came the trek back home. I couldn’t figure out if it was my mind talking or the routine chiming in. So I sat in that chair, like a motionless dead bug. Essentially, that is what all of us are when we stop moving; you become nothing. So, I walked. That’s all I could think of to do. I walked.
I did that for the entire day. I walked past Sky’s house. I walked past my parent’s house. I walked past Chelsi’s apartment. I walked past Sara’s house. I thought about stopping in, but they would only tie me down with their emotions. I didn’t need their worries. Sky would tell me that I’d been acting weird. My parents would tell me they were worried about me. Chelsi would tell me I’d been neglecting her. Sara would tell me that I didn’t care about her anymore or some bullshit that she always came up with. I had miles to walk. I had to keep moving. I had to go someplace. When the sun disappeared, the night sky was dark and the air was cool. My legs were sore, but I was convinced it was for my own good. I was searching for somewhere to go. I didn’t know where I was going. I had been walking for hours. Acid built up in my stomach. A quiver touched my throat and I swallowed hard until it eased away. I was searching for it. I needed it. Yet, I was almost certain I was close to finding it. I was almost certain I was becoming free. I kept walking in the dark; I don’t know for how long. I walked until the sky was black and my feet were numb. I put away the feelings of déjà vu and was focused on my movements forward. When I reached my apartment, somehow, my feet took me to my door. That entire day, I had avoided this place because it was familiar. But only then, only when I came home did I feel at rest. I collapsed in my bed with nothing more gained than confusion. I don’t know what I want anymore.
Chapter 9
There was a terrible ache in my head that pulsed faster than my heartbeat. Bright sunlight made the pain worse, but I kept my eyes wide open when I was waking up. I kept longing to see something more than what I was looking at. The ceiling was white. The room was white. My hands were white. The world was still monochrome- just as it seemed. The world had a take it or leave it attitude that I just had to suck up. The clock said it was four in the afternoon, but I didn’t care much about that either. I’ll quit work today.
On the way to work, I thought about Jack. I always liked him, or even looked up to him. We had gotten pretty close, and the closer I became to him the more I wished to be like him. He was a man who controlled his own life. He often did what he pleased and could do so with such ease. He closed the office yesterday and no one blamed him- everyone blamed themselves. He held his place in the world with a beautiful, confident grip. And so when I was walking to work, I hoped I could leave the would. I would be in control of myself.
When I reached the office though, my heart sank. Yet again, the office was closed. Surely my coworkers were crushed at this point. Frank is probably heartbroken. For some reason, as I so often to, I pushed the office door open. It was the impulse you get to still try to open a door to a shop that had closed early. You disappointingly try to open the door either for dramatic effect or just because you wanted to say you tried. But to my own surprise, the door eased open. My hands stopped. I walked in the empty office. The many windows made the office appear lit up. I walked down the hall way, over to my cubicle. I guess I’ll call Jack. Suddenly, I heard a strange noise- a haunting noise. I moved towards the noise. It had been coming from the front of the office. As I moved closer to it, I came to realize it was coming from Jack’s office. Without thinking, out of blind curiosity, I opened the already half-open door. Jack was sitting in his chair, wearing his perfectly pressed suit, crying. Tears were on his cheeks, and on his desk. Never once in my life had I seen a man cry the way he did. He cried without shame. He looked up at me, clearly startled, and then wiped his face.
“I’m so sorry Jack. I heard something, and the door was open and I…”
He cleared his throat before I could finish, in an effort that I wouldn’t apologize. “It is quite alright Leila. I suppose I should be apologizing to you. This must seem so foolish.”
“No…”
“My wife and I are getting a divorce.”
The air didn’t move after he spoke, so he continued to speak into the openness, “She believes that I am in love with my work, and not her. But I am in love with her… God, I love her..”
His hands touched his face again. I looked at Jack, the man I assumed had so much freedom and control, burst into a hysteria of tears. I should have comforted him. I wish I would have known all I know now, but I didn’t. So, I closed his office door. How indifferently it must have appeared…
Hands in pockets, I left the office. A part of me wished my phone was in one of my pockets so that I could call and comfort Frank, but it was not. I decided it was better that it wasn’t there anyway. I kept walking away from the office, but I felt unfulfilled. Before I reached the end of the street, I felt tears along my cheeks. The tears were small, but sudden like a spring drizzle. As I cried, my mind repeated its confusion with confirmation. What now? You’re going home? You always go home. You’re going to walk some more? You always walk. That is all you do. What do you want? Your parents miss you. Chelsi misses you. Sara misses you. Sky misses you. What now? What happens to them? What happens to you? The only proper response I could think of was: I just don’t know.
By nine o’clock I had been home for a while. My mind was empty and I felt empty. I missed my dream. I missed my search. I don’t like the things that I have found…I don’t like the person I’ve…
The door bell rung. I walked over to the door, as slowly as possible, expecting Sky to be there. Just as I opened the door, the figure was turning to walk away. His head cocked back towards me. It was Trevor. He was smiling brightly, like he was actually happy to see me.
“Hey you. Are you and Sky still coming to the party? It is in full swing!”
I had completely forgotten. I now could hear the music and chatter from down the hallway. I looked down at my sad excuse of a get up and then up at him. Whatever I felt then was the most comforting feeling I’d felt in a long time.
“I’m coming over soon! Let me just get dressed.”
“Oh hush, you look wonderful!”
I put away my spontaneous giggling and said, “I’ll be right there.” God I hated when I acted like that- he could have insulted me and I would’ve smiled like crazy looking at him.
It took me ten minutes to change clothes and do something with my hair, but I waited another ten minutes before I arrived. The apartment was full of people. Each group of people looked to be having a great time- it looked almost like a commercial for expensive tequila- plenty of good looking people having a good time in an elegant urban apartment. By the way, the apartment was indeed elegant in a sort of laid back way. You could definitely tell a man had decorated, but I mean no negative connotation with that statement. Almost immediately, I saw Trevor. He was with one other guy who was waving his arms like it was his job.
“Look who it is!” Trevor called over to me. He motioned for me to come over there.
His friend looked over to me. He had dark hair, and a natural glow to his skin. You don’t see much of that kind of glow in the city and maybe that is why I was examining him for a few moments. Trevor gave me a hug, but it went by all too quickly. I can faintly remember his arms being the first to open up for a hug.
“Sebastian, this is Leila.”
Sebastian grinned- showing a bright white smile. “I’ve heard great things about you.”
I found myself laughing. “Is that right? Well, don’t believe any of it!”
Trevor chuckled, and put his arm on my shoulder.
“I’ve also heard many things about your boyfriend!” Sebastian laughed as he winked at Trevor.
Trevor’s smile became tensed and said, “Yeah, it is a shame he can’t be here…”
I pushed the subject away from my lips and continued smiling. “Do you mind if I get myself a drink?”
Trevor took the opportunity of a subject change and ran with it. “Oh, I’m sorry, of course. What would you like?”
He brought me back a glass of red wine a few moments later. In the meantime, I talked with Sebastian.
“So, how do you know Trevor?” Sebastian asked. He kept smiling like he knew something I didn’t.
“We just recently became friends. We’ve lived across the hall from each other for a while but never ran into the other much.”
“You’re one lucky girl, you know that?” Sebastian said immediately after I was finished speaking.
“What do you mean?”
He kept looking at me, with that same look of sly delight that I didn’t get. It made me smile though. I kept smiling without end.
“One glass of wine for the lady?” Trevor had come back over.
“I think that’s for me. Thank you; kind hostess.”
I met more of Trevor’s friends, all who were a pleasure to talk with. One young girl, who had the name of a flower, had asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding that fall. I accepted and then her fiancé took her drink away from her soon after. Trevor’s good friend Dan told me about how Trevor saved her life when he pulled her out of the way of a speeding car. Trevor blushed about that for a good ten minutes. People still hung around until two, but by three the last of us were leaving.
“I don’t think she is going to call you with wedding details, I’m afraid.” Trevor said after the bride-to-be exited.
“I think you’re right on that one.” I laughed. I was heading towards the door, when I realized I had left my cardigan outside on Trevor’s porch.
“Hey, mind if I go get my cardigan?” I said as the last of the crowd exited his apartment.
“Yes, I do mind. I’ve been meaning to get a new one.”
I rolled my eyes and smiled as I walked out to tiny porch. Trevor followed behind me. I picked up the cardigan and threw it over my shoulder. For a moment, I looked out into the city at the glimmering lights. I wished I had bought an apartment on this side of the building.
“Yeah, I think you can keep it. That cardigan is never going to fit me.” Trevor picked up the cardigan and compared it to his long arms. I pulled it away from him and threw it back over my shoulder, smiling.
“You have a beautiful view. I am already regretting not spending the extra money for an apartment with this view.”
“Yeah, this was the best investment I’ve ever made- by far. I can’t tell you how many cigarettes I’ve smoked out here just because I wanted to watch the sunset.” Trevor stood next to me at the edge of the railing. Every light of the city looked pleasant, soft, and new.
“Talk about dying for a good view.” I laughed.
He laughed and pushed me a little jokily.
After this, there was a silence. The silence was filled with city noises. These noises were common to me: the rumble of an engine, the clacking of an electrical heater and the static of the millions of exhaled breaths. But this once, in this silence, not once did it seem ordinary. Nothing that I heard bored me. Nothing that I heard made me feel stuck, and constant. These sounds made me feel new. These sounds made me feel ever changing. I looked over at Trevor and he over at me. My face began to move closer until I could feel his breath against my cheeks. His eyes didn’t stop starring into mine, even when I looked away for a fraction of a pulse. The butterflies I had hated so much in the past felt euphoric- completely different than ever before. And just as his lips were about to reach my cheeks, I thought about nothing but that dream. I thought about how I didn’t feel scared. I thought about how I felt I found. And, so, I kissed him, and touched him, and nothing else my mind had ever touched mattered for that moment. I didn’t think after that, I just felt. I felt the wind grab hold of my hair and throw it into the wind. I felt his hand move on to my waist timidly. I felt our lips curl into a shared smile. And after the kissing and the touching was over, I didn’t feel guilt. Did I feel love? Well, of course not. No, this feeling was much different. I felt free.
Chapter 10
I fell asleep on the couch that night, but slept perfectly. I awoke at nine, and wrote this poem:
I used to walk an unclear path
trotting on familiarity
But to find what I looked for
I walked through my many rivers
for my river is always changing
I used to walk an unclear path
trotting on my emotions
But to find what I searched for
I walked through many rivers
for my river was always changing
and when I understood this
Nothing else could matter.
I used to walk an unclear path
trotting on my love
trotting on myself
to find what I was searching for
I found it not in my unrestrained actions
I found it not in the river I was
I found it not in the river I am
I found it in the river I could become
And now, nothing else could matter.
I wrote it on a bill envelop and set it on the coffee table. After I did so, the phone rang and I slowly stood up to get it.
“Hello?”
“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for two days, Leila. What the hell are you thinking?” It was Sky.
“I am sorry Sky. You know, I have truly been neglecting you and many people lately. I hope you can forgive me.”
“Of course, but I just worry about you is all. Are you okay?”
“I am better that I’ve been. And I think I’d be even better without you.”
Sky didn’t speak, but I heard him swallow whatever his initial reaction was. I couldn’t believe my ease of speech.
“I am coming over.”
The line went dead.
Five minutes later, there was a knock at the door. Sky walked in, though, without me opening the door.
“Are you okay?” Sky said again. He was hoping for me to collapse. He was hoping that I would say no. He was hoping that I needed him, but I didn’t. It is such a shame that I made him ever believe that I did.
“I just had the most terrible sleep of my life.” I said casually. “I should’ve awoken a long time ago.”
He looked into my eyes like lovers do, and then I hugged him. For the last time, I hugged him. He hugged me back, tightly, but not how lovers do. He hugged me how a desperate boy hugs his mother before his first day of school, and I hugged him back as a mother would.
“I love you Leila. What are you thinking? I don’t know where this is coming from.”
“Yeah, I don’t either. But I am glad it showed up.”
I showed him the door, and he showed me his most unflattering vocabulary. He tried to kiss me but I closed the door. I walked over to the couch again, and laid in its crevices. My eyes closed for a few moments, but then they opened at the sound of the phone ringing again. I let it ring and so it kept ringing. The voicemail picked up the call. It was my mom.
“Wake up! Wake up!”
I laughed and smiled as I closed my eyes once again.
“I am.”
BY: AMANDA ZIVKOVIC
